Forgiveness.

So. That's something most people think isnt a big deal sounds pretty easy to do. Break a promise, that shouldnt be a big deal should it. But, it is. It determines most peoples happiness. I made a promise to someone. I broke that promise. I, in that state really didnt think it was that big of a deal, I used to wonder why the person wouldnt just forgive me, just move on. Just forget it, stop making me feel worse.  But now it hit.  It was all about ME. Why didnt she do it for ME , make ME feel better. It doesnt work like that. I realized that too late. I cant say I'm sorry now cause all the times I said it before. I dont think I meant it. I just said it cause we're taught that sorry fixes everything. It doesnt .. its what we do with the sorry that fixes it. Me? I didnt know that. I expected to get a big hug and a "I forgive you" .. Those three words.. they never came. And I cried yeah. Not out of anger or confusion about why I wasnt forgiven,but i cried because I was all about me for so long I never realized what I did to that person. And I dont want to go through that again.

There is only one person in the history of the world that selflessly forgave and that was Jesus. That doesnt seem that big of a deal does it? Just a couple of words,make people feel better? .. Nah. He forgave the people who dug stakes into his skin who taunted him on the cross,who called him every name in the book ridiculed him. And he said. In Luke 23 "Lord, forgive them for they know not whatt they do" These people who were watching him die and enjoyed it. People who in our eyes didnt deserve forgiveness,he forgave them.

Now I'm not saying that everyone who I've ever hurt shoould jump up amd forgive me cause I dont want that. I want,to forgiv3 people who hate me,wish bad for me,envy me.

Most of all I want to forgive Myself. Because that is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do is loook inside yourself and realize your wrongs. And forgive yourself. Cry,scream and then forgive. Release it all. And remember that someone has died for everything you've done. Forgive yourself. You deserve it.

For everyone out there who k ows that there is someone out there you're scared of trusting or forgiving or not releasing all hatred towards them. If you know they're trying,talk to them. Dont argue talk. Understand why they did what they did. Then foorgive whether you get back together,mend a friendship .. Whatever. Forgiveness heals. I've healed. I know who I am. I understand what ive done and why certain people dont trust me. And Sorry will not work. Show it. Dont tell it.

Happy Easter. God Bless and Keep You.

= Nicole Lian