Untitled.

So , I got asked by a friend tonight if I had blogged recently. I said no cause I havent had anything big happen in my life. Well that's not entirely true.

Couple months back I messed up a friendship.  A really important friendship. I dont know what to say about it. I just broke a promise and she drifted. After that I used to pray.. every single night for all those months for God to grant her the power to forgive me. Then one night.. I asked myself why nothing was happening, why was she still so upset, I prayed .. So it should happen right? Something should happen .. No. I wasn't helping myself I was asking and expecting something to happen so eventually I changed my prayer. I realized that even though she helped me. I was too broken to be any help to her. So I stopped asking for forgiveness and started praying for healing. And that came. Like a rush of divine love.  It was the most amazing feeling.  Nights where it would be just me and God. Where I was lost. But I came back .. And As soon as he saw I was back she was back. I never questioned it I just embraced it. Because this was a miracle. Lord knows I will never understand it. I got a birthday message from her and to be honest I dont think anything in the past three years has made me smile like that. Ridiculous. Love you Youngster. Thank you so much for not giving up on me.

Now ... I have good friends,best friends, sisters but That one person who comes in and see's right through you .. "Friend" is not a good enough word. Having the kind of person who says I know the feeling and actually does. Who knows me better than I know myself.

The friendship is 1000000x better. Because its not one sided anymore. She's not just helping me. I can help her. I can be the friend she deserves not the person I used to be.

I'm not a perfect person much less a perfect friend. I have slip ups with other people. Things I cry about because I can't understand what would compell me to do whatever I did.  I lost a sister's trust .. A trust I was bending over backwards to get back. I dont tell her about the depression and the cutting and the fact that I used to wonder how much better the world would be without me. I dont talk because my feelings always come last. I have to be everyone else's backbone. I cant be weak I cant break. I have to make sure everyone else is ok before I consider checking myself.

God himself says that we should not worry. So, no more, anything that happens goes straight into his hands and even though most times I don't understand why he does it, I cant question it. I can just trust it because he knows exactly what I need.

PSA 33:18 NIV

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.
Thanks be to God.