Call it what you may.

I feel like I only come here, to rant and to apologize and stuff. I guess that's what happens when you're arguing with the only person you talk to. It's weird. I wish I was having this problem with someone else. Just so I could have her advice. Well, I didn't blog at all this summer..  Mainly because I've been pretty darn happy. Everything has been working out. I was working and such. And I had my friend back. The only friend who gives me 1 million different emotions at the same time. I think the only ones I won't ever feel are disappointment, anger and  hate. Those can't work with her..  Pain. Yes pain. In a lot of that rn.

Summer with her was perfect. Better than any summer I could have ever dreamt up in any of my altered realities where I go to escape from this disappointing place. But something happened after summer . School had started summer was over I was getting stressed, she was tired a lot of the time seeing as she is a star, and something happened. We had a rough night and feelings I never knew existed came up. It was admittedly the most  crushing experience I've had .I wasn't expecting it, I could have never seen it coming I was blind sided. Arguing with my other half with no one to talk to. We bounced back after and everything was back to how it was in summer, pretty perfect. But then something else happened I really don't know what .. I wish I did, so I could understand.. And we were right back to where we were three days before. But I decided that I wanted the best for her,, so I tried hard to get her to tell what she needed me to do.. But she didn't have a clue. At this point idk what to do. Because I'm scared. To loose the best friend I've ever had, one who'd become my motivation, my heartbeat, my person.. One who put me back on the straight and narrow path to Christ.  Idk if I ever told her this. But I was terrified. But I acted like it was all fine because I'm so used to being the strong one, the one who, Holds it all together. I'm retiring from that now. Rn. I'm a sixteen year old kid who doesn't want to be depressed and doesn't want to mess up a friendship. It's not a fun place to be.

After this second time, the awkwardness stayed for a while, we kinda became used to it. And that was how. It went. Then one night something happened again. Something good. We talked. Idr what we talked about.. But it helped. And the next day, I saw the part I learned to love first. That gorgeous heart of hers.I could feel my heartbeat once more, cause that's what she is. And when she's upset or we have an argument or we're disconnected in some manner I literally cannot feel a heartbeat and it's weird but it's true.

Now we're back at it, roller-coaster number 3 if I'm counting correctly.. I hate it. And I'm nervous. And I'm scared again. Not scared to lose her really, cause we would have to be completely down and out to get the far. And when arguments get this bad. That's how you know they care, so I'm not worried about losing her. . So yeah I cried today, twice, and I punched walls and closets.. Cause I was upset. With me. I am a lot of the time. Upset that I can't keep my mouth shut long enough for things to recover.

But as a line from a really good movie goes. "That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt" it also talks for you sometimes.

But I shall not blame myself. Nor will I sit here and pick my brain to figure out what happened. I don't think that's what God wants. I take this as a test. Loyalty to him. So I don't ask why. I ask why not. Why not test my strength, my trust in Him, my love for Him. Why not take the most important person in my life (excluding my mother) then ask me to love you and trust you. I gave this to God today. He always tells me.. "if it is to be, it will be." and it's been and it will keep going.

Hopefully you're reading this. Without anger and hopefully we can "start over" so to speak. You know... Okays and all. Ily really. And I know you love me too. I'm sorry I sounded like I doubted that earlier. Just cause you don't say it doesn't mean it's not felt .

We're writing a book a pretty long one I hope. All we have to do is make the next page better than this one.


                           Yours Truly,
                                       olaf.

Untitled.

So , I got asked by a friend tonight if I had blogged recently. I said no cause I havent had anything big happen in my life. Well that's not entirely true.

Couple months back I messed up a friendship.  A really important friendship. I dont know what to say about it. I just broke a promise and she drifted. After that I used to pray.. every single night for all those months for God to grant her the power to forgive me. Then one night.. I asked myself why nothing was happening, why was she still so upset, I prayed .. So it should happen right? Something should happen .. No. I wasn't helping myself I was asking and expecting something to happen so eventually I changed my prayer. I realized that even though she helped me. I was too broken to be any help to her. So I stopped asking for forgiveness and started praying for healing. And that came. Like a rush of divine love.  It was the most amazing feeling.  Nights where it would be just me and God. Where I was lost. But I came back .. And As soon as he saw I was back she was back. I never questioned it I just embraced it. Because this was a miracle. Lord knows I will never understand it. I got a birthday message from her and to be honest I dont think anything in the past three years has made me smile like that. Ridiculous. Love you Youngster. Thank you so much for not giving up on me.

Now ... I have good friends,best friends, sisters but That one person who comes in and see's right through you .. "Friend" is not a good enough word. Having the kind of person who says I know the feeling and actually does. Who knows me better than I know myself.

The friendship is 1000000x better. Because its not one sided anymore. She's not just helping me. I can help her. I can be the friend she deserves not the person I used to be.

I'm not a perfect person much less a perfect friend. I have slip ups with other people. Things I cry about because I can't understand what would compell me to do whatever I did.  I lost a sister's trust .. A trust I was bending over backwards to get back. I dont tell her about the depression and the cutting and the fact that I used to wonder how much better the world would be without me. I dont talk because my feelings always come last. I have to be everyone else's backbone. I cant be weak I cant break. I have to make sure everyone else is ok before I consider checking myself.

God himself says that we should not worry. So, no more, anything that happens goes straight into his hands and even though most times I don't understand why he does it, I cant question it. I can just trust it because he knows exactly what I need.

PSA 33:18 NIV

But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him, on those whose hope is in his unfailing love.
Thanks be to God.

Forgiveness.

So. That's something most people think isnt a big deal sounds pretty easy to do. Break a promise, that shouldnt be a big deal should it. But, it is. It determines most peoples happiness. I made a promise to someone. I broke that promise. I, in that state really didnt think it was that big of a deal, I used to wonder why the person wouldnt just forgive me, just move on. Just forget it, stop making me feel worse.  But now it hit.  It was all about ME. Why didnt she do it for ME , make ME feel better. It doesnt work like that. I realized that too late. I cant say I'm sorry now cause all the times I said it before. I dont think I meant it. I just said it cause we're taught that sorry fixes everything. It doesnt .. its what we do with the sorry that fixes it. Me? I didnt know that. I expected to get a big hug and a "I forgive you" .. Those three words.. they never came. And I cried yeah. Not out of anger or confusion about why I wasnt forgiven,but i cried because I was all about me for so long I never realized what I did to that person. And I dont want to go through that again.

There is only one person in the history of the world that selflessly forgave and that was Jesus. That doesnt seem that big of a deal does it? Just a couple of words,make people feel better? .. Nah. He forgave the people who dug stakes into his skin who taunted him on the cross,who called him every name in the book ridiculed him. And he said. In Luke 23 "Lord, forgive them for they know not whatt they do" These people who were watching him die and enjoyed it. People who in our eyes didnt deserve forgiveness,he forgave them.

Now I'm not saying that everyone who I've ever hurt shoould jump up amd forgive me cause I dont want that. I want,to forgiv3 people who hate me,wish bad for me,envy me.

Most of all I want to forgive Myself. Because that is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do is loook inside yourself and realize your wrongs. And forgive yourself. Cry,scream and then forgive. Release it all. And remember that someone has died for everything you've done. Forgive yourself. You deserve it.

For everyone out there who k ows that there is someone out there you're scared of trusting or forgiving or not releasing all hatred towards them. If you know they're trying,talk to them. Dont argue talk. Understand why they did what they did. Then foorgive whether you get back together,mend a friendship .. Whatever. Forgiveness heals. I've healed. I know who I am. I understand what ive done and why certain people dont trust me. And Sorry will not work. Show it. Dont tell it.

Happy Easter. God Bless and Keep You.

= Nicole Lian

She's Gone.

It's your first day in pre-school, your mom drops you off .. You scream and cry and want her to stay, she looks over and see's another mom going through the same thing, they smile and peel away from their children, both greatly distressed. They get outside to avoid more meltdowns and introduce themselves. Instant Friends. They go through this same ritual together for about a month until the kids who or also pretty good friends got into the hang of it. After that, one would call the other about PTA meetings or pickup imes or fieldtrips. They jointly raised each other's kids.
 Then the kids end the sixth grade and off to highschool. Still a slight friendship, but it soon fades and the mom's hadn't seen each other for 4 years. :( .. Then while applying her child to the school she previously attended, she got the news, she died, Cancer they say .. Fxxk that ... Cancer.. I Lost a second mother my mother lost a friend on February 19,2014. She was a woman who changed and impacted and saved soo many lives and will be greatly missed by all she came in comtact with .. Rest.In.Paradise. Carol Fong, I Love You Aunty .. You will never be forgotten.

Thank You ..

I'm back again .. This time not to vent or to day how bad my life is, cause right now I am changed. Up until a couple days ago, life wasn't amazing, I picked up cutting again, went into darkness. A place I now vow i will never go back to. I wasn't happy, I was questioning my faith. God, He took some drastic measures to get me back, He showed me some things I never knew, he opened my eyes to unnecessary people and even took away part of a friend that he knew I needed but I just didn't know how much she would've changed me. Thank You. That Friend? She is one of two people who literally saved my life. I was ready to go. But now .. Aha . Now .. I am changed. God brought me back. I've found myself again and now I know who I am. 

    Two people helped me find me again. These two people are slightly different but they have to same motives. One born maybe 2000 years ago and the other just turned 14 (: Sounds ridiculous right? Nah . I Promised I Wouldn't say sorry again so I'll try not to. You know that stereotypical friend from summer camp who eventually you learn that you can't live without? Yeah I got one of those .. But she's different from the day I Met her I knew she'd been hurt, I knew she had trust issues I knew she'd been through a lot, so I wanted to be different, giver her the friendship she deserves. I Messed Up.

   I Didn't realize that what I was doing to myself was hurting other people .. And How much It was hurting other people. But With This friend .. It wasn't just as simple mistake. I broke a promise. Something I Didn't even know meant so much to her and I broke it. I didn't just break it I shattered it. And I commit  to you ( not promise cause i bet you've heard to many and  cause I Probably know you're reading) that I will spend everyday proving that I am who I was. I Am different. There's no more darkness anywhere  I walk with light, but the main reason I'm writing all this gibberish is to let you know that you, your laugh at everything self .. Saved my life. You helped me get Nicole Lian Beaumont back. Thank You.
 You're Probably The Little ( yes little) sister God forgot to give me. Te Amo . A.A.A.A.J ღツ

The Lord is close to the broken hearted ,he rescues those who's spirits are crushed.
                                      Psalm 34:18 ✝

  To All the People Who Feel Like You Have Nothing Left , You're At The End Of The Road .. Find Someone Who You're Scared To Dissapoint Someone Who Will Tell You When You're Doing Complete Bullshit. Someone Who Know's Where You've Been And If You Can't Find That .. Talk To The One Who Gave You Breath.