I feel like I only come here, to rant and to apologize and stuff. I guess that's what happens when you're arguing with the only person you talk to. It's weird. I wish I was having this problem with someone else. Just so I could have her advice. Well, I didn't blog at all this summer.. Mainly because I've been pretty darn happy. Everything has been working out. I was working and such. And I had my friend back. The only friend who gives me 1 million different emotions at the same time. I think the only ones I won't ever feel are disappointment, anger and hate. Those can't work with her.. Pain. Yes pain. In a lot of that rn.
Summer with her was perfect. Better than any summer I could have ever dreamt up in any of my altered realities where I go to escape from this disappointing place. But something happened after summer . School had started summer was over I was getting stressed, she was tired a lot of the time seeing as she is a star, and something happened. We had a rough night and feelings I never knew existed came up. It was admittedly the most crushing experience I've had .I wasn't expecting it, I could have never seen it coming I was blind sided. Arguing with my other half with no one to talk to. We bounced back after and everything was back to how it was in summer, pretty perfect. But then something else happened I really don't know what .. I wish I did, so I could understand.. And we were right back to where we were three days before. But I decided that I wanted the best for her,, so I tried hard to get her to tell what she needed me to do.. But she didn't have a clue. At this point idk what to do. Because I'm scared. To loose the best friend I've ever had, one who'd become my motivation, my heartbeat, my person.. One who put me back on the straight and narrow path to Christ. Idk if I ever told her this. But I was terrified. But I acted like it was all fine because I'm so used to being the strong one, the one who, Holds it all together. I'm retiring from that now. Rn. I'm a sixteen year old kid who doesn't want to be depressed and doesn't want to mess up a friendship. It's not a fun place to be.
After this second time, the awkwardness stayed for a while, we kinda became used to it. And that was how. It went. Then one night something happened again. Something good. We talked. Idr what we talked about.. But it helped. And the next day, I saw the part I learned to love first. That gorgeous heart of hers.I could feel my heartbeat once more, cause that's what she is. And when she's upset or we have an argument or we're disconnected in some manner I literally cannot feel a heartbeat and it's weird but it's true.
Now we're back at it, roller-coaster number 3 if I'm counting correctly.. I hate it. And I'm nervous. And I'm scared again. Not scared to lose her really, cause we would have to be completely down and out to get the far. And when arguments get this bad. That's how you know they care, so I'm not worried about losing her. . So yeah I cried today, twice, and I punched walls and closets.. Cause I was upset. With me. I am a lot of the time. Upset that I can't keep my mouth shut long enough for things to recover.
But as a line from a really good movie goes. "That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt" it also talks for you sometimes.
But I shall not blame myself. Nor will I sit here and pick my brain to figure out what happened. I don't think that's what God wants. I take this as a test. Loyalty to him. So I don't ask why. I ask why not. Why not test my strength, my trust in Him, my love for Him. Why not take the most important person in my life (excluding my mother) then ask me to love you and trust you. I gave this to God today. He always tells me.. "if it is to be, it will be." and it's been and it will keep going.
Hopefully you're reading this. Without anger and hopefully we can "start over" so to speak. You know... Okays and all. Ily really. And I know you love me too. I'm sorry I sounded like I doubted that earlier. Just cause you don't say it doesn't mean it's not felt .
We're writing a book a pretty long one I hope. All we have to do is make the next page better than this one.
Yours Truly,
olaf.
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